This question (or anything related) is something I have been asked since Chaos took his second trip on the SWAT bus/ICU on wheels. We were enroute to Childrens, and one of the storm troopers was asking all the normal questions — and “Is he your first child?” was asked. I nodded yes, and the other stormtrooper chuckled and asked the more prominent “… but is he your last?” The delivery of it was purely to ease the stress of the current moment, and I knew this. As my 2.5 week old is screeching for more sugar water on his paci, I laughed and said “As of right now, he f***ing very well might be!”
Don’t get me wrong, even then I knew I wanted to have another child. I always knew I wanted more than one. Even though my pregnancy was physically easy, the emotional/mental toll of the second half of it was brutal, and in my “fourth trimester” for 7 of those 12 weeks, my son was in-patient at Childrens. Not exactly what anyone envisions for themselves.
I know all the things, Chaos diagnosis of a CHD was a 1 in 100 thing — it probably will not happen again. I am well aware that the universe probably wouldn’t send me down that path a second time. But that doesn’t stop the little voice in my head saying “But what if its the same as last time…” and that is the truly terrifying part.
I’ve had the breakdowns and spirals, bless C who has stood infront of me in our kitchen numerous times saying “We can be done, you don’t have to do pregnancy again if you don’t want to. It is okay.” Which honestly he is the f-ing best. His trauma of my pregnancy is different, he had to watch me go thru it all — and couldn’t do anything to help.
How many husbands can sit in a room inches away from their wife, who is in an MRI machine, and know they can’t do anything to change the situation. How can you live through that without being scarred for life? He was at every scan, every appointment, every little thing he was there. Ontop of the endless appointments we both still had full time jobs— and I couldn’t miss the appointments even if I wanted to 🤣 During my entire pregnancy he missed only one appointment…. even then it was because we had another appointment that was the priority for him to be at that week. When I say C is the greatest and my favorite person on earth.. I mean it with every fiber of my being.
Getting pregnant again is a constant battle in my head… I want more children, and the thought of pregnancy again scares the sh!t out of me. It could be fine — I could have one of those pregancies where I puke three times every day but the baby is 100% healthy. Obviously I would pick this, any mom would. Trauma on me over the trauma on them any day. But that little voice in my head will probably still remind me of my first experience. I still hold my breath when someone is going for their 20 week scan, and want to hug them beforehand and tell them, “No matter what its going to be okay.” Then I remind myself that most of those scans are pure joy and excitement, and parents leave with cute pictures of the baby they are planning a life around.
I always try to remind myself of this internal battle I have when the topic of having another child comes up with other people, because it could be something someone else is struggling with for a number of reasons. Everyone has their “But what if…?” even if they don’t talk about it.
Maybe I need to start reframing my thoughts as “What if its everything I hoped for?” I can manifest this for myself right? I did my time with mayhem the first time around. Maybe, just maybe, the next time will be the ordinary mayhem associated with pregnancy, and less chaotic trauma.
I’d do it again for my kid in a heartbeat though.
Mildly Feral 
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