Two Years of Chaos

Chaos turns two this week. TWO! As we get ready to celebrate his birthday it is hard to not reflect on the way he came into the world. We had a day and a half of “normal” then everything went off the rails. Looking back through pictures and I find myself thinking “Wow it really was kind of bad for a bit wasn’t it?” and “How on earth did we manage all of that?” There was a point during one of his hospital stays that he was in the 0.1% for weight… so yeah in hindsight I guess it kind of was that bad.

Somewhere in the last 715ish days my tiny newborn morphed into a chaos goblin, surviving on cheese, noodles, and vibes. He’s got opinions (lots of them) and gets impossibly frustrated when he can’t express them. He loves a snack, would survive on only snacks if given the opportunity. If we don’t leave the house by 7:45am for a “CAAAAAIIIIIIDEEEEEE” (car ride) he lets his thoughts known loudly.

Everyone always says “You’ll miss this” and “Enjoy every minute of it” and it seems so cliché. I think back to the days of night feedings the 3am bottle was quiet and cozy, just me and him. THAT was my favorite part of every day. I was so present and in the moment, always wanting to hold him for just a minute longer. Turns out they were right, I miss this quiet middle of the night snuggles. I take any opportunity I can to sneak in those quiet snuggles now, because they are so few between. Summoned by a teething issue or some other grievance disrupting his sleep, and although I’m exhausted, I scoop him up and sit in the dark for a couple minutes until he’s ready to go back to sleep. Its different now, he tries to start a conversation and con me into reading a book or singing a song — entirely defeating the purpose of quiet snuggles.

My once tidy and organized home is filled with what can only be described as toddler clutter … trucks, books, blocks, cars, bikes, you name it — its somewhere. The basement is no longer a functional additional living space, its just straight up chaos. I see all this and feel a tinge of annoyance but I know that this phase of life is only tempoary and one day I will have my house back, and will miss the life I’m living right now — the one where I get to raise a tiny human.

With all of this reflecting I also think about the immense good that came from our parenting crash course, spending almost 8 of his first 12 weeks inpatient at BCH. My marriage got stronger, I learned not to sweat the small stuff as a parent, and I got absolutely humbled by the kindness and generosity of my village.

Last year and this year for Chaos’ birthday party we have asked instead of a gift to bring an Amazon giftcard to use to make a donation to the Child Life Cardiology department at BCH. This is a department that C and I both feel strongly about continuing to give back to — because we were once those terrified and overwhelmed parents trying to comfort our child in a setting that felt foreign to us.

Child Life works to support patients and families throughout their journey using play, art, technology, and music. They work to help patients and families adjust, as well as understand the healthcare system. One of the Child Life Specialists introduced us to the Little Einsteins crib aqarium (if you know you know) as a hail mary to get him to stop screeching his disappointment of not being able to eat when he had NEC. He would calmly lay in the crib watching the fish — his baby TV.

There was a time when I felt helpless trapped in the four walls of a hospital, I cried more tears than I can count during that part of my life. It would be easy to turn my postpartum experience into something negative — there was a lot of negatives trust me — but instead I try and give back in ways that we can.

The small things have the ability to make a big impact, and can reach the people who need them most. What if the $30 crib aquarium that I donate brings another baby the same comfort it brought mine? If it brings a fraction of the peace and joy that it brought my family, consider that money very well spent.